The Little Chick Testing His Wings. . .

My dearest Sunshine. . .

It was a big day in your life yesterday, and Mommy & Daddy’s for that matter. You started your first day of kindergarten.

It was such an exciting day for you. I hope you remember it for the rest of your life. You were so happy and excited. You were not very scared or fearful. As in all you do, you attacked this new adventure with the courage & vivaciousness & enthusiasm that many know you for. Daddy & I were SO PROUD of you! Despite the sleeping in and chaos that surrounded those last few moments in the morning before we took you to school, you were ready.

As we were driving to school, I couldn’t help but keep looking back in the rearview mirror at this big boy I didn’t know. Where did the time go? I was watching you sing to the songs on the radio, talking to yourself and to your brother & sister – telling them not to be sad you were going to school When did you become so big?

As I was looking at you in the mirror on our way to school yesterday, I remember thinking: “Oh no, I didn’t teach him this! I should have taught him about this!” I was feeling afraid of other kids making you feel shame or embarrassed for all the amazing gifts that you have been given. So many things running through my head in that drive yesterday. . .

I still remember that first day we met. Your little face pressed up against the glass as we came to meet you for the first time. All the adventures to follow. . . all the crazy new things that you have been through in your young life. . . Gwissy, you are such an incredible, inspiring human being. I love how you love the unlovable -- how you see beauty where others do not. I love how you are so incredibly sensitive to how others are feeling. I love how many are always encouraged after they spend time with them because you encouraged them deeply. I love that you are not afraid to be your own person. I love how you are a leader. I am so proud of you and so thankful for the privilege and blessing to be your Mom. It overwhelms me with goodness.

When we got to the school you were pulling Daddy. You were so excited! I made you take a picture by the sign so your aunties and Black Grammy could see you and be a part of this milestone. You were so nice in accomodating your Mom! You really were excited to get this party started! We met your new teachers and it seemed all of a sudden you were whisked away with your new classmates and teachers. But you did something that no one else did, that I will remember as long as I live. As you walked into the school, at the top of the stairs, you stopped and turned around and yelled: “Bye, Mommy!” and blew me a kiss. Ngwis, you will never know how much that moment meant to me, my grieving, lamenting Mama’s heart was so happy and so touched that in the most exciting time in your life, you looked back and turned to say good-bye and blow me a kiss.

Obviously, this moment meant a lot to me, but it also made me realize that we did it. Your dad and I did it. You know no matter what you do, we are always in the background watching and cheering for you. We are always proud of you, win or lose. Gwissy, we are always standing in the wings, cheering.

There was an Adele song that came on the iPod on the drive home after I left you at school. And, it was so piercing to me. It is a song written by one of my favourites, Bob Dylan.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case –
I could offer you a warm embrace.
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears –
I could hold you for a million years.
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt I my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue.
I’d go crawling down the avenue.
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rollin’ sea
And one the highways of regret the winds of change are blowing wild and free.
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of earth for you.
To make you feel my love.


Ngwis, we love you so much. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you. . . we love you so much. I sure hope that you head out into this big world always knowing that more than anything else about your parents. We have screwed up, will continue to screw up, but there is nothing we wouldn’t do for you. We love you and are excited about your little wings spreading and taking flight. . .

The Day the World's Heart Broke -- The Haiti Earthquake

My Dearest Little Men,

Two weeks ago the world stopped. Not only did the world stop for a day, our hearts were broken and many had the big question in their mind: “Why?”

You see, the tiny, beautiful country of Haiti experienced a horrendous earthquake. For many years, your Dad & I have had a huge heart for Haiti. God has given us many great opportunities to serve there and also the privilege of providing an opportunity for many of our much-loved basketball guys their first cross-cultural experience. We are so thankful for these opportunities, as many of these guys have been faithful and continually gone back to serve every year, and with them, taken others and given them their first cross-cultural experience. It has been such an encouragement to us to see the burden that many of these guys have for this beautiful nation.

All last week we watched the news closely, read the paper and internet consistently to hear of all that was known. Gwissy, I remember the day after the earthquake and we were getting ready for supper and a news report came on and I started weeping. You were sitting in your little rocking chair and copying everything I did and finally came over and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t even speak. I was so heartbroken. All I could see in my mind were the faces. All the little faces of the little boys (and girls) that we just loved so dearly – many, at the time, were the same age as you.

Your Dad & I have talked about this so much over the last two weeks. Boys, I believe that there are a couple of things that we hope that we are able to accomplish and impress upon your little hearts as you grow.

The first would be that you will understand, from an early age, the importance of knowing your part of the global community. Boys, we will never have an understanding of why bad things happen, especially to places like Haiti
that are already struggling in the greatest of ways. A part of being human is to understand that we are all in this together – no matter where we are. We are all responsible for the well-being of others, especially the orphan and widow. We must do all we can to ensure that they are taken care of.

Secondly, I pray we are able to instill in you the importance of always giving -- prayer, time, money, etc., before there is an urgent need. It is extremely important to give, as we have been extraordinarily blessed. Never take for granted the privilege you have had in being born in Canada. In times of crisis and even not in crisis, when you see those who are struggling, it can just as easily be you. We could have easily been born into poverty or into a land where there is much war, etc.

Boys, in being born First Nations, I pray you will always seize every opportunity to make a difference and be a voice for your people. You both may find it difficult at times, in being blue eyed Indians, but I pray daily that you will be strong leaders and work extremely hard. Excellence, my dear boys, is the best deterrent against racism. Be committed to excellence in everything you do – no matter how small and redundant a task or job may seem, be committed to excellence.

And, finally it is our prayer, that in times of heart break, like we have seen these last two weeks in Haiti, that you will not wait until times of urgent need to give. We pray that you will always be giving to the people and places God impresses on your heart. Be the strong men I know you are and never forget we are all a part of this global community. We all have a responsibility to look out and care for one another, especially if you have been given much – and you have been given much!

I love you so much and continue to be so proud of you and the hearts you have been given,

Mom

xxoo

""'Blue Leopard', 'Boring Black', 'Wonderful White', 'Navy Blue','Beige', 'Zebra stripes & Pink', 'Lime Green'. . .""

Ngwis & Takoda: As I wrote this following piece, you were both always on my mind. It is scary. Raising men. This particular area probably scares me the most. Not because I am afraid to talk about it, but finding the balance in talking about this together. I pray constantly that both of you will be as respectful, honouring, kind, sensitive and loving as your Dad. He has been so amazing in this. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful partner, friend & husband. I pray continually, without ceasing, you will be such men. . .

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Last Wednesday & Thursday, women were encouraged to post their bra colour on fb in support of breast cancer awareness. (It was SO big that it made international news!) So, I decided: “What the heck! It is fun! Let’s do it.” It was fun. I liked seeing the different colours everyone had and it made me think: “It is funny that I am thinking about ______’s bra colour. I could totally see that she would wear those fun colours/pattern, etc. It also made me feel a sort of kinship to so many of my female friends on fb that I have not seen in a long time. It also reminded me that I need to schedule a mammogram in the next little while, as I have just not got around to it in a while. I am sure, like many of you, you had a lot of positive feedback, as well as a lot of negative feedback.

At first, I tried to not let the negative stuff bug me, but after I thought about it for a while and discussed it at length with Galen. I realized I was well warranted in my frustration. And this is what I have come up with. . .

I am exhausted of guys putting all the responsibility of their struggles with lust on women & blaming women. Galen & I have talked about this for many years and basically feel the same way on the matter. Where does it begin for men to take responsibility for themselves and their own thought lives? Where does discipline come in to play? I don't believe the first sexual thought that comes into one's mind is sin -- we have been programmed to be sexual, visual beings. The problem I do have is what do you do after that first thought? If it continues on, yes, I do believe it becomes sin. And, rarely do you ever hear that preached or taught. Rather, the responsibility is most heavy handidly placed on women -- which really is quite colonial thinking.

Another problem I have with this situation on top of the placing the responsibility on women in this is the double standard that guys have in this. What I mean is this:

Men struggle with lust, women struggle with intimacy. So, what happens with women is they often covet relationship with men. I know many of you have probably seen this happen. When a girl likes a guy, all her friends know not to go there because she has staked a claim on that guy. It is like she has pissed on him (you know marked her territory). It is horrible and I believe just as sinful as allowing a sexual thought go too far. You see, for the most part, I believe, women commit lust in this way. They stake this claim on a man and get wrapped up in this hypothetical future and life and it is quite entrapping – they have allowed a thought to go too far.

So, when a guy decides to hold a girl’s hand, kisses her or other things that don’t seem too big a deal. It is a big deal -- especially when there is not a willingness to progress the relationship to some sort of commitment or call the relationship more than friends. I do not believe that God respects or honours this type of behavior and treatment of one of his daughters. Women take these things pretty seriously – whether they are willing to admit it or not. They long to be cared for, protected, cherished and these actions of holding, being close, etc are all physical examples of fulfillment of that intimacy every women desires. And yet, men praise each other and get away without accountability in this area. Does this make sense?

Young women are quite often operating in a framework & culture where women are not valued and quite often objectified. Where she is told SHE has to be careful because she causes men to stumble. That is not a very safe, healthy framework to be operating within. Whether she knows it or not, being told these things by leaders in the Church, fellow Christians and brothers only breeds much woundedness, insecurity, doubt and feelings of being not worthy.

Now please do not think I am attacking anyone. I am merely pointing out observations that I have seen over the years. I think we are all able to think of situations where we know people that have been much more physical and less clear of what intentions are. And this is the double standard that bothers me. I have talked with hundreds of women in the 10 years I working in a college setting and unfortunately, got used to hearing story after story, women being heartbroken because they honestly believed that the guy liked her because he initiated physical stuff, but in the end was just using her for self-gratification, left her heart-broken and alone to pick up the pieces (and sometimes, a baby).

So, all that to say it angers me – this double standard. Women are to be careful and watch out for their brothers and refrain from so much in order to not let them stumble, but men, for the most part, get away with so much and are not held accountable for taking into consideration a woman’s heart – the area where they struggle the most and often take advantage of it.

I do believe that women have responsibility in their struggles as well and could do a better job at guarding their hearts, but just the same, men can learn to develop some discipline in regards to their thought life. A lot of my work as a counselor has had to do with legitimate people who have struggled with sexual addiction, so I am very well aware of what is involved. However, what I am referring to is this lack of discipline. And so, instead of admitting to a lack of discipline, would people rather place the “blame” on women?

Finally, I think it is good to talk about boobs, breasts, or whatever you want to call them. Whether mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, friends, wives. . . we all know someone dear that has suffered from this terrible monster of breast cancer. When will it not be difficult to talk about something like this and not always see it as purely sexual?

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Ngwis & Takoda: Already we know you are both little ladies men & I am sure it will only continue as you get older. Please remember the importance of accountability & responsibility. Finally, sexuality is good; it needs to be celebrated and talked about. I hope and pray we are able to talk about it out freely and be able to teach you well in all of this. . . and in advance, I apologize for probably making you feel uncomfortable when we talk about these things as you get older. . .